I'm so fucking centered right now
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
