Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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