he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
