the condom got lost in my hair
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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