I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
