Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
