Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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