1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
