By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
