Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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