walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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