I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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