My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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