I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
