she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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