I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
