so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
