it hurts more in the daytime
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Send help, water and tortillas.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
