I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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