I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
