Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
