yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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