if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
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