Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
