just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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