I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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