Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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