What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
