I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
