y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
