And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
