Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
