Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
