I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
