I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I didn't notice because vodka
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
