one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
