What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
