If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
