You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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