saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
