Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Enjoy the penises
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
