He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
