im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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