FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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