Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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