Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
