my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
