I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
