I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
