drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
